Zitat:
Hi Ella,
sorry to bother you via Email again, but for me these questions are too private for me and I’m not sure if I understand everything right.
Every day I’m on a level of high inner voltage since my youth.
My days were full of school and appointments. When I wanted to get my own first flat, I met a woman that represented the owner together with my caretakers (social service made it possible that I didn’t have to stay with my parents that traumatized me so much that I got a split personality), and tried to convince her that I could get that flat.
On another (or the same) day I got a “yes”. Outside the building my caretakers told me that they forgot to tell me that I had to fill ina bunch of formulas to get money who don’t have a job. I started crying like a baby and thought that this flat was my best chance to live alone and I’d have to wait for years till I get a yes for the money and the formulas would be horrible. I’d never get a flat in the middle of the town which is important for my mobility as a blind person with 1,6 % sight and that I’d have to live in a suburb where the bus comes and goes in the morning and the evening. Thinking of that my crying got worse and everything my caretakers said didn’t come through to my mind. I don’t know if that’s a meltdown.
One other stress day I was looking for my schoolfinishing thing which which I wanted to try to get a job. I was desperate. On one ear I had a friend talking my ear bleeding, in the other hand I had my phone to call my old home. Bang, something crashed on me and I cursed just the moment the call was answered. Nobody knew where the paper is. I had to get rid of the friend on my cellphone. Father that I started swearing, sobbing and throwing things through my one-room-flat while my mind was racing and my thoughts got more and more pessimistic. In that example i don’t know if that was a meltdown.
Sometimes things like cursing and for example kicking a traffic light happened in public because my stress level got overwhelming.
When situations overwhelmed me, there were impulses of self harm- and if people didn’t leave me alone, I banged my head or bit my arm. Sometimes I cut myself.
Nowadays I can handle my stress level a bit better. But there are still times when I swore and threw things through the room. Or I just talk all the ballast out loud or beat something or rarely hit my head, grit my teeth or screw my fingernails in my hands. And it could happen that I scratch my skin till it looks like an injury (happens maybe once a year).
Or I cry so much that I nearly loose breath and start kind of hickuping.
In these moments words can’t reach me and touches are horrific so that I either say no or hit the arm away.
In all these things there is always this negative thought line and I can’t find solutions in that state of mind.
Do meltdowns feel like that? Do people Act like that in a Meltdown?
In these situations I need a calm place to calm down. Hide in my bed, listen to soft music etc.
Thanks for your answer.
I wish you a nice weekend.